When I took Kallie for a walk last evening, the streets of the neighborhood seemed electrified--abuzz with pre-Thanksgiving activity before the city lies down to be still while we celebrate the holiday. People talking and laughing as they pulled luggage on wheels, probably heading out of town for the long weekend. The weather is unseasonably warm, no one bundled up, but rather wearing light coats or sweaters. Oddly three helicopters hovered to the Southeast. As we walked and

It's been a busy week. Ken has been on my mind a lot. Last weekend my brother-in-law Craig (Ken's brother) and nephew were in town for a hockey tournament. My nephew Nate is one of the sweetest kids I've ever had the pleasure of knowing (and loving). And he is a badass goalie on the ice. I eagerly trekked to and from the dreaded suburbs for his games to watch him play, and cheer him on with his dad. I couldn't help but think of Ken and how proud he'd be of Nate and how much

Yesterday did't turn out at all as I expected it to. Funny how some days are just like that. The things I woke up concerned about didn't end up being anything I needed to be worried about. Nothing life changing, mind you. Just surprises. I took Kallie for a long walk early this morning. It would be the last one we'd be able to take for a while as she was scheduled for her "lady" surgery later in the day, but would spend the entire day at the vet. It's the last right of passa

I love autumn. It's my favorite season--in spite of what it is the harbinger of here in the Midwest. It's the crisp earthy smell in the air, the vibrant colors of the changing leaves, and the sound of them crunching beneath shoes (or paws). It's the time when you begin to layer, and pull out the sweaters that have lain unused since you put them away when spring warmed up. Since returning to work, I've struggled with blog topics. Having a schedule and a sense of purpose as my

I knew it was looming ahead, but never took the time to confirm until I returned to work recently and began regularly looking at a calendar again to realize Ken's birthday was fast approaching. Very fast. Today is Ken's birthday. I have to say I really like typing that in the present tense (is--not was, were, did, used to be) because it still is the date on which he was born. A date that feels more appropriate to mark--rather than the day he died. Or at least feels more wort

Changing things around the apartment is a tricky business for me. Leaving things as they were when Ken was alive offers some kind of security--or maybe a kind of certainty that he was here--especially if it was something he'd placed himself. So, finding myself sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor at 11 pm on Tuesday night, going through all the lower kitchen cabinets was a surprise. But it was one of the several household projects I swore to get done before I return to

Since writing about our last adventure together , I've thought a lot about all the ones Ken and I shared that came before. Particularly, I was reminded of the bold decision we made in packing up our lives and driving cross-country to relocate from Chicago to LA in the fall of 2002. When I met him in early 2001 Ken had been planning to move to LA to be closer to his brother, sister-in-law and nephews--and, of course, to pursue his acting career. His plans went off the rails a

A creature of nostalgia, I can't help but call out today as another special anniversary in my mind and my heart. As mentioned in an earlier blog, last May the instant Ken saw Katie's PadLo tattoo on her shoulder, he said, "I want one" with an impassioned tone. It was part demand, part plea, and completely undeniable. Though most of his pain was being well controlled by methadone and a host of other assisting drugs, I was terrified for him to go through any more physical trau

I took over cooking full time after Ken's surgery in early 2010. It was quite a shift for us because this role had primarily been Ken's. He was a supremely creative man and his cooking was no exception. His improv skills played a role in everything he did--particularly cooking. He often commented that he loved when we cooked together--which ultimately served as great training for me. I learned to get comfortable experimenting--no matter what the result. It was about the journ

It's been on my mind all month. The events that occurred a year ago as they're galvanized in my mind. And I can't help but "cut" a little bit and read my diary from those days a year ago. On this date last year my sister-in-law Katie arrived as Ken and I were sitting in the back yard on a somewhat blustery May morning. She brought with her an amazing gift for Ken. PadLo, Ken's constant stuffed companion and sometimes alter ego, had been tattooed on her shoulder blade. I didn'

At a month away, June 1 is a daunting and solemn date for me and for anyone who loved Ken. It's the date he left us after such a valiant and graceful fight. Maybe someday it will be easier to "celebrate' it, as time performs her magic, and softens the jagged edges and fades the vivid pain of the last year or so. As for this June 1--I've taken matters into my own hands (probably with a little help) to find a very special way to commemorate the date. I'm taking a break from wor

When I got home from work on Monday I was tired from a busy day and a fun weekend. So I dozed on the couch after dinner while watching TV. It was one of those twilight sleeps where I where I felt sort of awake--but couldn't stop it if I tried. Ken came and sat down on the couch sort of in front of me, propping himself up on his arm as leaned in toward me, looking at me with a knowing smile. I reached over and rubbed up and down his arm, my hand finally resting upon his enormo

I never expected my next trip back to California to be tinged with sadness--well, other than sadness in visiting my in-law family and revisiting memories of Ken and the life we once shared when we lived there--not to be with the family and support each other through the loss of Ken's older brother who died suddenly not yet a week ago. It was sudden and somewhat unexpected, and a blow to a family still mourning the loss of Ken last June. I've done my best to support them all

I haven't been dreading this day as much as dreading it not being the kind of day I used to look forward to, but I guess that is no news to you. (You are the Universe, after all. All encompassing, omniscient, etc.) It's another reminder; a confirmation in case I forget the circumstances of my reality. Thanks again, Universe. You're the best. (Sarcasm heavily implied, but again, you know that.) Today is a special date that deserves jubilant celebrations, parades and fireworks.

Yours truly (right) with author and friend, Claire Bidwell Smith (left--and moderately preggars) Most months, the first is a sometimes glaring, sometimes dreaded number appearing in the first square of the calendar. Some months it approaches more brazenly than others. The first of this month (March) has been on my radar for a while for a couple of reasons. March 23 would have been Ken's and my 11th anniversary together, and also serves as a reminder that last year on that da

I got an email from my girl Kathy the other day. Just a short note while she was at work to tell me she loved me (as I'm so fortunate to hear regularly). She signed it about loving me truly, madly and deeply. A memory conjured for me. When Ken and I first started dating, I was over at his place for a movie night. We got serious--but silly--very quickly. We spent much of our time at is place because of his beautiful Chow Chow Quantum. After spending only moments with her on m

Like any story worth investing in--the kind that can sweep you up into its enthralling grip--turning the page is the only way to find out where the story leads, taking with you the sum of the story thus far. My life is that story. Ken isn't a footnote in my story, he's the theme. That won't change. And as difficult and heartbreaking it is to face a new year without him, part of me--maybe a selfish part--can say with relief "this isn't a year where Ken is sick" and at the very

This week marks the one-year anniversary of the my first blog . During the intervening year--as I promised myself--I've written at least one blog per week. It's an accomplishment that fills my writer's heart with more than a little pride. When I began blogging in December, 2010 I told myself it was mainly to gain some exposure on the blogosphere and to begin building a public voice as a writer. But early on I knew I was fooling myself. Ken's illness and subsequent death has b

It wasn't until late last night while snuggled on the couch that it occurred to me that PadLo's birthday was sometime in October. I checked out ohpadlo.com and realized not only was I correct, but I was in the waning hours of his very birthday! Considering I was pushing the boundaries of my bedtime I promised we'd celebrate today--which we did: tacos and cupcakes all around! PadLo came into our lives as gift to Ken from our family in California. (And created by a very talent

Autumn is afoot. There is no doubt. The rich golds, oranges and reds are beginning to top most of the trees--in spite of the 80-degree weather we've been having the past week. It's always been my favorite season dating back to childhood when my internal clock told me the new TV shows should returning like swallows to Capistrano and I could catch up with the happenings of my small screen friends. But fall in Chicago is always something special. Like the city is putting on one